NO ONE IS TRULY PERFECT

Disclaimer: I do not have any intention to open anyone's aib.. I'm just telling my story. 

Hye

Do you have friends that adore your family?

That always say how your familys' bond are really strong, and you guys are really caring towards each other?

Well, I had lots of friends that thought my family was perfect, the caring family, the most lovable family members anyone could have.. 

But guys, however you see MY family as perfect, it isn't. And will never be cause there's no such thing as a perfect family all the time cause human itself am not perfect

Yes, we may look perfect from time to time. 

But, to look at it in the time line of a whole, no we're not. 

Us, siblings?

I may say we're close because we had too

We had always watched our parent fought since I was a kid and that thought us that, we need to be close.

We need to take care of each other

We need to love each other

Cause when the quarrel starts, we only had US in the end

I remember when I was a little kid, 4/5 years old or maybe smaller

My parents had  a fight

And I can't atop crying for hours ALONE

That's how I deal with quarrels/difficulties since I was a kid until now

I dislike crying in front of people, so, I rather cry alone

People always think that I'm a strong girl, having big responsibilities, duties on my two shoulders and studying hard without fail makes people think that I'm resilient, strong , etc..

But, NO I AM NOT

Sometimes, people like me, we cried for hours alone at night.

We over think stuffs that makes us go moody/emo for hours 

We went for a walk/jog alone cause we need the ME time from other people

We may seem like we're almost okay at all times, but no we aren't. 

We had our bad days as well. Either you acknowledge it or now

We had our temper as well, but some of us just know how to conceal it.. 

We are never truly happy, but we live the moment

We do not live in the past

We do not live in the present

We live in THE NOW

Even up until now, when my parents fought, I still cry

Even a slight change of behaviour from my parents makes me go moody and will start crying all of  a sudden

There's one time when my parents were fighting and we're all in our universities. 

We can feel the heat from our whatsapp group

And my mom replied something really harsh to me on Whatsapp. 

I cried really hard for several days ( almost one week )

That's how fragile I am. 

I cried at night, during the day when I'm alone or when my roommates are sleeping

I cried every time I remember her words.

I didn't called them for weeks cause I know I can't smile to them sincerely 

You can ask them (my roommates) and they'll tell you "She's very strong. Never had a meltdown, never been homesick, never had problems with friends, work and study"

Duhh. I wish that's true

One day I called them, 

And after talking to them all, 

my sister asked me if I'm okay. Cause I sounded not okay at all. 

Like all that conversations just now was a bluff/act.
And yeah, it was

Cause even when I'm mad at you, family bond will never break

Folks, the thing is, life is a place for testing.. 

We'll never found peace her.

I always try to remember this when I got mad at my mom/dad.

" If their time is up, will I be happy to let them go already?

No regrets at all?"

This words always make me go quiet when I got mad at them.. 

People always say, parents knows best

But for me, as a child, we know when something is not right and thus, we can think too. 

I had some time to think.. 

And these thoughts came to me, 

If I am sick one day, will I tell my parents?

Or will I just keep it as a secret?

And to my shock as well, I prefer to keep it as a secret

IDK why, but I don't think they'll be bothered to care

Maybe more nagging and it'll just be a burden to them

They never took my illnesses seriously for all these years

So, maybe its for the best

IDK

Maybe if I die after a few years and they found this blog, 

Just want you to know that I love you all

No matter how much I cried for days because of you, you're still my parents

And I still love you fro giving me soo much precious memories throughout my life and for giving birth to me 

Been thinking of going for med check up after finals over

To check my gastric (I just hope this is the case. Either this or none. I don't want to be hospitalised for having a more complex diseases)

So, we'll see what's going to happen next. 

Hope to recover from whatever illness I'm having

Talk to you later 💗

xoxo,

yours truly